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Beauty in Dying devotional header

A Journey of Pain & Love

“Have mercy upon me, O LORD; for I am weak: O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed.” Psalm 6:2

I was determined to go on a walk to commemorate infant loss awareness. Yet y heart had been filled with with stressful emotions this week. The plan was my children at home would accompany for surely, they would enjoy a day out at the park. It wasn’t long before my older ones expressed their desired plans to volunteer for an upcoming two-day camp. I didn’t want to refuse them. At least I had the younger ones who would be appreciate the outing more but they too would soon take leave preferring to go to the two-day camp that was intended for them.Statue commemorating loss of children

I didn’t want to face the emotions that were surfacing. It had been well over five years since James Anthony’s death, yet there were unresolved emotions, especially towards my husband, Bruce.

As time went on and after unloading on Bruce, the hurt welled up in the words, “You were not there for me.” And for a couple of nights I fell asleep and he was silent. What could he say. I was sure I hurt him, though I didn’t mean to. Why were these feeling surfacing again?

There was an impending loneliness that wanted to engulf me. The same I felt the night I was alone in the hospital because no one could stay with me. The sadness overwhelmed me and I couldn’t speak to Bruce anymore. I was grateful for the assurance he gave me, though no words of comfort came from him, but he did hold me close when my tears would not stop at night. I resolved that his silence meant he didn’t understand at all and this agonizing pain was mine to bear alone all over again. We never did talk about James after his death. And I was so closed up towards Bruce then, was I still now? I shook what the Spirit of God was revealing. I didn’t want to think about this any further.

The night before the walk is when the two younger ones were allowed to go on the two-day camp. I knew God wanted me to let them go. And looking back now I can see how I was using them as an emotional shield. Hadn’t I always? Keeping myself busy caring for my children and ignoring the truth, the silent unresolved hurt I had towards Bruce. God was telling me I had to face my husband and spend this sad time with him. I said, I would so long as my Lord was with me.

“Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.” Jeremiah 17:14

On October 20th we arrived at the Mercy Heartprints memory walk in Washington, MO. Bruce and I and others who have lost babies met at a park. We really didn’t know anyone accept Jedidiah, our Pastor’s son and his wife Lauren and three little ones. She had invited me. They were there to remember their little girl Jordan. It was because of their willingness to share their hurt at the time when they lost their baby two years after I lost James that God has used their story to deal with some of my own hurts. I used their story in an upcoming scene in Book 3.

The Mercy Heartprints memory walk, consisted of a picnic lunch. We received get a helium balloon to write our baby’s names then release the balloons. It really helped that Bruce accompanied me on the walk today, though God knew I had my walls up.

When evening arrived and now back back home, the place was quiet at home. I thought to recluse myself away to another room and watch a movie. I chose a Jane Austen story called Emma, which I had never watched. I didn’t think Bruce would be interested but I invited him nonetheless. I was a bit surprised he agreed.

But before we commenced watching the movie he sent me the following song he had come across on YouTube, when I heard it, my tears flowed.

I believe God is intentional in all the steps He orders in our life. After hearing the words of the song, I was undone. I could no longer hold walls up against Bruce and the healing my Lord longed for me to receive towards my husband came.

After the song, Bruce watched the movie Emma with me. I chuckle because the main character was a matchmaker reminding me of my own story Matchmaker and of the story behind the story I wrote – How I never felt suitable for Bruce even in our marriage life. Yet knowing deep within me that Bruce was meant for me. Here was my husband watching a Jane Austen story movie with his me. This would be a married woman’s dream come true. I am very blessed, indeed.

It was quite a challenging week yet our Lord continues to affirm that my marriage is restored and that my husband understands more than I ever knew. I love Bruce so very much. And though he is an imperfect man, he truly exemplifies my Lord’s love, because he first loved me 😊

“For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.” Isaiah 54:5


In His hands,
Ann Marie Moore

LWHseries.com – Know True Love

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